


meet me at the end ?

by saucysonnettbun



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Mutual Pining, at least attempting at it, cause im soft yo, i guess we can call that an alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-01-03 08:16:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucysonnettbun/pseuds/saucysonnettbun
Summary: She loved this tunnel. She never wished to be standing on the other side of this tunnel.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so ppl on twitter were going crazy about possible expansion/trades drafts and it made me Big Sad and here we are i guess

She knew this tunnel well, probably waited hours in it if you did the maths. They’ve gone through this tunnel so often, waiting, mentally preparing. They went through it even after their worst loses either at a final or after a humiliating game. Going through this tunnel made her feel better despite all that. It was as if she was leaving the game on the field to be thought of later. She could be a better teammate then, a better friend. She could try to raise up everyone’s spirits with her simple jokes and dances at least it was better than everyone staying in their own head on every mistake they did to allow a loss.

In the tunnel, the cheers of the park were as loud as in the stands and as nervous as she could get before some games she still liked standing there. It was her transition zone. The moment where she could let go of her worries and offer the best game to the fans. Their chants were catchy. She and Lindsey finally got one after years playing here, better than the ones they once expected. They would sometimes play around it and chant it to each other before games. It always made Lindsey laugh so much which was better than any chant Emily could get. She loved this tunnel. She never wished to be standing on the other side of this tunnel.

Her black jersey felt heavy on her shoulders. She was way higher than usual in the line because of the number 12 in her back. It never felt so wrong to play here, it never felt so bad. Her teammates were all silent. Most of them she knew before coming to this team, through youth camps, some international caps or because her friends knew them. Kelley was the only one she was close to. It was a fine team it would be hard to deny it. but she knew it could have been fine without her wearing that jersey. The chants were overbearing and too loud, it made the fact that it wasn’t her home anymore way too loud. The park had grown under her eyes, now she realized that it always will whether she would be here to witness it or not.

She heard quick footsteps coming from behind and Kelley came rushing while still fixing her own captain band. She grinned at all of them before putting herself at the top of their line. It was good to know that Kelley was the one leading, it was the only way Emily had started to appreciate this new team. It would be a lie to say she didn’t start to be fond of it. Being back in Portland just made too many of her feelings mixed and that was nothing she needed to have right now, just before a game.

The other line appeared by their side. The new Thorns’ jerseys were mostly red with some black touches. It reminded her of the ones they had the year they won the World Cup, the same year she learned that she wouldn’t be wearing that jersey anymore. Leading that line was Tobin. She now wore the band instead of Sinclair and Emily was on the other side of the country during her last game here. It looked good on her she just wished she didn’t see it from this side of the tunnel.

Tobin grinned at her. Of course she did, she was home but Emily couldn’t help but notice how it didn’t fully reach her eyes. She was in trouble if it didn’t mean anything else, but she knew that for a long time. She messed up her departure from Portland, she messed up with Lindsey and Tobin being only polite to her was the obvious consequence.  
She simply managed a smile and a wave as well when AD, who was directly behind Tobin, waved at her. Some new faces were in that line but the one she wanted to see the most was always there, at the number 10 spot.

Lindsey probably took the news the hardest, of course she did, she always took her feelings head on. She remembered telling her the moment she hung up her phone. They were just laughing at the new title she thought of for one of her playlists over pizza and wondering if they should invite Caitlin and Ellie over for brunch the next day. There was not much to talk about. She would be playing for the new team in Atlanta.

"Atlanta United Women, not really original." Emily was trying to keep their conversation going because Lindsey had stared at her for what felt like hours. She could see how her bright blue eyes were starting to shine and Emily's heart sank.

“You accepted ?” Her voice was clear in the silent flat. Emily felt like the walls were closing on her. She tried to think of her family and going back to Georgia but all that came to her mind was the person in front of her. The one she was the closest to and wished to be even closer to.

“It was a fact, you know. There’s nothing to accept.” She had shrugged before biting into her pizza. It was so tasteless, it was hard to swallow.

“It’s not like I wanted to.” Emily added as she knew she couldn’t discuss trades as much as some other players in the league. She always had accepted that it might as well happen any season now. Maybe that’s why she barely reacted to the news themselves. All her attention was on Lindsey and the look on her face was hard, she hardly ever saw it outside of a game. She never wanted to be the cause of that look but she couldn’t think of anything to make it go away and simply pushed a piece of pizza her way.

“I’m not hungry anymore. But, hey, congrats.” Lindsey’s voice just cracked on that last word and she clearly heard it. Before Emily could say anything Lindsey had already bolted to her room and closed the door loudly. Emily was left on the silent living room with the barely touched food that no one in that flat will be hungry enough for. She just sat there in silence trying to digest the news herself.

She almost missed the nod that Lindsey gave her walking by her. She stopped a few meters away from her and maybe being number 12 was a good thing for once. Lindsey still wore her pink hairband and her hair in a ponytail. It almost all seemed the same, she just needed to step over and it could be. She didn’t feel like she deserved to.

The referees came through. The lines started to move forward. Teammates from both sides started to cheer and she finally focused on the bright lights that were in front of her. She didn’t know if being out of that tunnel would feel better, at least trying to get out of it might. Her breathing was shallow and her first instinct to ground herself was to look towards Lindsey. Emily wasn’t expecting Lindsey to be looking at her as well.

“Meet me at the end ?”

She couldn’t find her words. She thought she might have imagined it since everything around her was so loud but she always heard Lindsey's voice in a crowd of thousands. Maybe it was all a dream. Her black jersey, not properly speaking to Lindsey for months, being on the other side of this tunnel. Lindsey kept looking at her though clearly waiting. Emily nodded. Maybe she saw a shadow of a smile as Lindsey started to walk away. Sonnet grabbed the hand of the child standing by her and caught up on her team. She shouldn’t rely on maybes. Coming out of that tunnel she felt hope for once in a very long time. She needed to find her focus. For this game at least. For the people who had cheered her on even if she was on the other side of the tunnel. They lined up in front of the wave of red and black. She got goosebumps from it. She just wasn’t sure if it was from excitement or fear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me : pulling through with chapter 2
> 
> you all : ma'am this is a wendys
> 
> so ya chapter 1 is kinda the intro only
> 
> so ya here i am 1 month or something later i kept adding on and i thought it was time to unleash it
> 
> very much unbetaed i tried my best to edit it

Silence filled the stadium for once this evening. She never paid attention to how still Providence Park was before the national anthem since her attention would be on the game to come. Her mind had been restless in the buzz of cheers and chants a few moments earlier and thought the silence would make it better but it let way too much space for her thoughts to run free.

-

Of course it started raining on the way to Caitlin’s. Of course she was walking there. Her hair was a mess and so was all of her clothes, thankfully it was just an evening where they would stay at Caitlin’s to hang out. Talk a bit more about how she would be leaving Portland. They took on the news more easily than Lindsey and Emily was at least glad for that. She wouldn't want to be leaving disappointing all of her friends.

Her cold hand was up to knock on her door but it opened before she did. Lindsey was standing in front of her, her eyes were a bit red, her hair was a bit messy and Emily's heart sank. She reached for her hand but Lindsey walked past her, as if she hadn’t been standing right in front of her. Emily couldn’t stop looking at her leaving, hoping that at any moment she would turn around and just acknowledge her in any way.

She didn’t.

“You wanna stay out in the cold ?” Caitlin was now at the door and maybe she had just imagined seeing a heartbroken Lindsey walking out. Emily shook her head and walked into the flat where Ellie was already stealing food from every plate. Emily was too tired to say anything about it.

She went to sit on the couch. One of her hoodies was on it and Emily tried to remember when she could have left it behind.

“Linds left it.” Ellie commented with her mouth full when she saw Emily staring at it a bit too long. She left it, didn’t forget it. At least that was how Emily understood it. She nodded and took off her damp and now uncomfortable sweater and put on the hoodie. It was hers, better as well make use of it.

It was still warm and smelled so much like Lindsey it might as well just be hers.

-

The drums and cheering came back the moment the last note of the anthem was sung. They had to go forward to shake the referees and opponents' hand. She simply followed the line.

Tobin didn't look at her, Caitlin smiled and Emily wanted to stop just to properly meet with Lindsey but when she was in front of her, her eyes were focused on anywhere but Emily who so selfishly wished that Lindsey was looking only at her in this crowd of thousands. She wished it didn't feel like electricity went through her whole body when she shook Lindsey's hand and all the feelings she drowned for so long were filling her thoughts and body once again.

They were louder than the sounds going through the stadium and it was so easy to lean on those feelings.

-

She had packed up quickly since was leaving the flat to Lindsey there wasn’t much to take with her. She had three suitcases and was going alone to the airport the next day. She didn’t need more, she will stay with her family most of the time or with friends. Bringing more would only remind her of Portland, it would remind her of Lindsey and she didn't need anything more to stir her feelings than her own brain.

She barely saw her since she told her and being off season didn’t force them to see each other on a daily basis. She would see her at their usual Starbucks when she went to get coffee, she would see her leaving Caitlin and Ellie’s flat when she would come over or she would bring a girl, sometimes a guy, she never saw before to her room some evenings. None of them were uncommon occurrences except that it happened way too much in the last weeks to be accidents. It was always Emily seeing her but Lindsey clearly seeing her and never acknowledging her and it felt like she had already left her weeks ago.

She never got used to Lindsey bringing someone home after she broke up with her boyfriend. The breakup wasn't that smooth and for a moment Emily thought that maybe she would be able to let out her feelings for her best friend without guilt and stop being a coward about them. She had been there for Lindsey so many days and nights comforting her, she should be aware that how Emily was acting was nowhere near what a friend would do. It would be better to just be honest and tell her, even if the idea of losing Lindsey because she couldn't stop herself from loving her felt like a knife was going through her chest. Seeing that Lindsey brought a girl home felt about the same.

She could actually count the times it happened before all that mess. They were all very alike in some ways, tall, dark haired, not really talkative as some of them didn’t bother to acknowledge her when she saw them coming through the door. Much unlike her. Maybe Lindsey was trying to get a message across. Emily then tried to distance herself and finally try to get over her, except that so much of their lives was spending time together. Seeing Lindsey going through training so determined and so happy, sharing dinner she made for a movie marathon, celebrating wins and trophies. It all made her forget the reasons she should stop loving her.

Each time she had found an excuse to go out to forget about the person in Lindsey's bed who wasn't her, to come back home and see Lindsey going through their flat like nothing happened leaving Emily to imagine it all. She didn’t want to bring it up as it was painful enough to just know but Lindsey was her friend. Only her friend.

“Ever got a second date ?”

Lindsey never had expected her to bring it up seeing the confused look on her face which almost made Emily laugh.

“They’re not worth it.” She had shrugged and Emily could only nod with a flicker of hope burning in her chest. She quickly drowned it down.

She was putting her suitcases in front of the door when Lindsey came through. A girl was at her heels and Emily knew she wouldn't have the calm and patience to emotionally deal with the fact that during her last evening in Portland, Lindsey spent it with a girl she must have met a few hours ago. She couldn't stop looking at Lindsey as it had been days they haven’t properly been in the same space but she barely stopped clearly set to get to her room. It would have been the moment for Emily to take her keys and find some way to distract herself for a few hours. She realised that she had nothing to lose and didn't want to run away from the situation anymore.

“Lindsey.”

Lindsey directly stopped in her tracks and seemed hesitant to turn around. Emily couldn’t let have any doubt out there right now.

“Not tonight.” Emily murmured.

Emily expected her to be angry for saying something. She had no rights to say what Lindsey could do, both of them were adults but Lindsey looked at the girl and walked away from her room. She was nice enough to not make a fuss about it and walked out without saying anything when Lindsey showed her to the door. Emily's exhale was loud in the silent flat.

"Thank you." She just wanted to go sleep now. It would knock away all her emotions for a few hours. She would see her family soon but her mind kept going back to what she would be leaving behind. Yeah, sleeping sounded good right now.

"You never cared before." Lindsey's tone wasn’t accusatory, it didn’t feel like it at least or maybe Emily was too tired to notice but she was definitely too tired to care about her own answers.

"I did. Way too much." There was more honesty in these words than there had been in the last month between them.

"Why didn't you say anything." Lindsey was steady in her words and this time she could tell the anger behind them. She looked like a mess now that she properly could see her. Emily had to laugh. This was all too much and for too long. It's been years that she was burying her feelings for Lindsey. It didn't stop them to spill over and over. A lot of her teammates could tell. Lindsey didn't. She never knew if she was glad for it or not.

"You never asked." Emily shrugged.

"I'm asking now."

Lindsey was closer to her now. She could reach for her hand if she wanted to. She missed seeing her bright eyes and the fading scent of her perfume. She missed seeing Lindsey happy. She knew she would always miss Lindsey no matter how this would have happened. Maybe not seeing her would have made it easier to leave. All she could think of was all the time she spent with Lindsey, all that time loving her.

"You really wanted to hear how much I hated it ? Why I was going out each time it happened ?"

"Tell me."

She never expected to actually put words on her feelings. She didn't want to acknowledge them in hopes to be the best friend Lindsey needed who was waiting for an answer and the plane taking her away from her would still be leaving early. She would take too long to put words on it and spill them out. She closed the space between her and Lindsey. Her lips were softer than she ever imagined them to be.

It would have been enough for her. It was all she could tell. Except that Lindsey grabbed her face and pulled her back in. She wanted more. She needed more. Both of them were on the same page for once in a long time. Lindsey's hands were under her shirt in no time and she was holding herself together by having both her arms around Lindsey's strong shoulders. She could barely understand what was actually happening. She could barely take it in.

She stepped away to breathe properly. This time, Lindsey held her gaze and it felt like it was only them in the world a few inches apart and trying to catch their breath. She wanted to say something, anything as if it would make this more or less real. But as if they had done this hundreds of times before they fell back into each other's embrace and their lips were back together.

She hated how easy and how difficult it was to finally give in. This was what she had wanted to do for days and months. Lindsey's hands were warm on her sides and she heard so clearly her groans when she went to kiss and bite her neck.

"Bed ?"

Emily wanted to be sure she wasn't dreaming and she quickly thought that even if it had been, her answer would have been the same.

"Definitely."

Her flight was still early the next morning and she didn't get a lot of sleep.

-

Kelley came back in the huddle after deciding on their side with the referees. Emily jumped around to keep herself warm and focus on the moment. She had months to think about what had happened with Lindsey before she left Portland but being back here clearly didn't help to accept it.

"Don't forget that this team can go further than anyone expects it, so let's bring it up guys !" Kelley was a great captain, motivating, more articulated then people would expect and clear about what she expected from the team. Emily was glad that they had finished together in the expansion, it made it easier in some ways to leave Portland. It also made it more difficult since Kelley kept reminding her that she needed to confront everything that had happened. Especially with Lindsey.

"You okay ?" Kelley asked after putting her arm around her shoulders. She simply nodded at first, not sure if Kelley would want to be pulled out of the game by something else but she remembered how she would feed off anything to be her energy.

"She asked me to meet her. At the end." Kelley's grin was contagious and it made it all too real. She was happy, she was nervous.

"C'mon Son, let's put our wall into place."

She saw Lindsey stand near the circle waiting for the kickoff and Emily realised that she was about to play in Providence Park without doing their handshake. It was meant to be fun and to hope for a good game. Being in opposite or same teams meant nothing about it. For once in a long time she found her voice, loud and clear.

"LINDSEY !"

All her teammates looked at her and she even saw Kelley's eyes widening. She didn't care, it was meant to be between her and Lindsey. She thought that Lindsey wouldn't hear her or ignore her but her head turned quickly. Emily's mind went blank for a second before remembering what she wanted to do.

She raised her arms, their usual signal. Lindsey seemed to realise what was happening and looked hesitant before raising her arms as well. Her face was not as bright as it would be whenever they executed their handshake but the thought was there. To bring their best on the field, for better and worst. Their execution was not as smooth as they were used to. It has been so long but it felt like everything fell back into order for a moment and maybe this Atlanta team wasn't something so bad.

The whistle rang and the ball was played.

-

You would think that winning a World Cup would spare her from long uncomfortable economy flights back to Georgia. Emily chuckled at the thought and tried to sit still in her window seat, seeing that the two passengers next to her clearly looked like they wished they were anywhere but here.

Her lack of sleep didn't help. The reason for her lack of sleep didn't help. Maybe she had been sleeping during this whole time and next thing she knew her alarm would stop this storm of emotions going through her. Only she did have an alarm today already and clearly remembered it.

She had left her phone in the living room and woke up abruptly from a very light slumber when the alarm rang. It wouldn't have taken long to get to it. Emily would have been up in seconds if only Lindsey had not wrapped her arms around her waist. She was suddenly way too aware of everything surrounding her, their naked skin touching, her own shallow breathing while Lindsey's was calm and deep, the mess of clothes left on the ground. Right in this moment she was ready to throw all her plans away and just stay there, in Lindsey's arms. Everything would be so much more uncertain, her career, what she wished for, what she would do the moment that Lindsey would wake up and realise they did, in fact, sleep together. The only thing she was sure about was that she loved Lindsey. Maybe loving Lindsey meant having to do horrible choices like that.

Emily was still thinking about leaving her, well Lindsey's now, flat without saying anything. Her phone was open on Lindsey's text messages. They all were old ones, sent before she told her about leaving for Atlanta and Emily could change that, write a message now and wait for it to be sent once she landed. She kept thinking back to all the long silent stares from last night and how their mouths had been all over each other’s skin and definitely not on finding words about what was happening.

She pushed down her phone in her pocket and played on her Switch for a few hours before finally being able to sleep a restless sleep.

-

The game was going well. More than she had expected. The forwards managed to slip through their defence only to be stopped by AD who was having great reactions and stopping their chances. They managed to stop their counter attacks. Both teams went to their locker room at halftime with no ball in the net. Yet.

Their coach updated their game plan. She wanted them to be more aggressive, press forward and they all nodded before heading out. The Thorns were going out on the field as well and a few meters ahead she saw the number 10 and Emily instinctively started to run to catch her. Tobin threw her a hard look as if to stop her and it only made Emily want to get to Lindsey even more. She bumped into her shoulder, never lost her subtlety after all.

"Meet me at the end ?"

Lindsey frowned and for a moment all her hopes were about to crash but her answer was better than she wished for.

"I asked you first."

-

_**L :** how's Atlanta ?_

She had been going through her clothes for two hours now, searching for one of her sweaters she hasn't seen in a while. She checked her phone out of habit, expecting useless notifications or another message from Kelley asking if she was free to hang out in the evening the next day. Atlanta was good. She missed it and she missed seeing her family and friends so easily. Only one thing felt off and she just got reminded of what. She looked at the message and reread it until it felt like it was printed on her memory.

_**E :** it's great how's portland ?_

She waited a few minutes and there was still no answer. She could wait hours but only knew she would get more and more impatient and frustrated, she simply got up from her couch and started to do what she needed to around her flat for the day but kept pushing back. It would keep her thoughts away about Lindsey messaging her and her slight hopes that she wasn’t even creating. Maybe getting this message wasn’t as good as it sounded. She just hoped that doing anything else would stop her mind thinking back about the soft sounds coming through Lindsey’s lips when she was half naked against her, how warm and settled she had felt for a few hours in the dark with Lindsey.

Her phone rang while she finished to put away her dishes and she hated how quickly she ran to it.

_**L :** it’s fine._

Emily just stood there, she couldn’t remember a moment where Lindsey had ever called Portland just fine. It was her second home, their second home. Being wherever with Lindsey would be her home and she realised how she at least had the chance to have her family nearby now, how she was in her home state. Lindsey was back in Portland, she knew Tobin would still be away with Christen and the Aussies went to play over for the W-League. She left her in all this mess of their relationship that she had no idea what to call. Emily wasn't there to be with Lindsey and never felt like she had failed Lindsey as a friend more than now.

She instinctively pressed the facetime button. It rang, she waited, her reflection staring at her. Lindsey didn't pick it up. Emily sat down and waited, for a message, for a call back, Lindsey maybe just missed her call. Emily had barely any idea of what Lindsey's current days were like. Maybe she did ignore it, stared at it until the ringing would stop.

Her first thought was to tell Kelley except that she was out on a date with her girlfriend and Emily didn't want to interrupt it because she couldn't handle her feelings. It wasn't as if Kelley already picked her up being a mess from the airport a week earlier. She thought of the next best thing.

_**E :** hey guys_

This time she didn't have to wait for answers.

_**R :** wow so it is possible for you to be up before 10am_

_**S :** hey !_

_**S :** anyone is more of a morning person than you rose_

_**M :** she's literally like wilma when she wakes up before 11am_

The banter in their chat came so easily and Emily had missed that, the lighthearted conversations and jokes. She wanted to take part of it but her heart wouldn't be fully into it until she stopped thinking about Lindsey.

_**E :** guys could you check on linds_

All the messages stopped and it would be better for them to be right here so they could directly send her looks that clearly meant she needed to do something about her feelings for her like they told her so many times before. If only they knew. She just needed to get her point across.

_**E :** she seems a bit off_

She knew it was probably more than a bit but didn't need to seem more desperate or make them more worried than that.

_**E :** just don't say i asked_

Finally it wasn't only her messages on the screen.

_**M :** i can call her in a bit_

_**E :** thanks i'll owe you_

_**M :** do i say it's from a secret admirer_

She couldn't be angry at the joke. They probably had no idea what the last month have been between the two of them. She could tell them but opening up right now in front of three of her best friends would not make her feel better.

_**E :** don't. please_

They might make fun of her but she knew they wouldn't push it. She left her phone on the table and tried to continue with her day wondering how she would go on without thinking about Lindsey.

-

Apparently the Thorns had the same game plan as them for the second half. Emily had to work way more in the last twenty minutes than in the first half, blocking, dueling and eventually fouling. Fouling hard.

Their forward line was going way too high for her liking and now their midfield was too much in their half as well. Of course, her reaction was to slide tackle before the pass forward was finished when they started to for an attack except that her timing wasn't great and Lindsey was the one receiving the ball.

Lindsey fell hard next to her as the whistle of the referee rang through the field. The booing from the crowd was loud but she still heard Lindsey swear as she was holding her calf. She saw how the referee was reaching for a card but didn’t care enough to argue and went on her knees to check on Lindsey. It was the first time she ever truly tackled her since it was forbidden in training to prevent injuries and she would have preferred to never do it.

“Linds ?” Emily reached for her shoulder and Lindsey rolled over easily. She heard some more groans and swearing.

“Maybe not all of them were faking.” Lindsey muttered in between swears and Emily had to laugh, remembering the times when Lindey defended her case to a referee telling them the tackled player was overreacting or faking it to put the weight of a yellow on her back.

Tobin came through to see Lindsey as well, like she always did. This time only, Emily was at the end of Tobin's death glare, only proving that her gut feelings were right about being in trouble with her. The medics and Tobin helped Lindsey sitting up.

"It's just my calf, guys."

She still needed some time off the medics concluded, Lindsey only accepted because Tobin told her to and she hardly ever argued with her.

"Sorry." It had been so long Emily wanted to say this for so many things she did and said. She wish she could say it more right now but Lindsey nodded at her before walking away for the next few minutes.

The Thorns scored off that free kick.

-

Her laundry was everywhere around, the dishes were stacked in the sink and the TV was on. Those were the stuff that made this flat look lived in. There was nothing on her shelves, new furniture was still unwrapped and she hadn't put anything on the walls yet. She didn't have the motivation she thought but each time she saw the frames of her and Lindsey she just wanted to throw it away. So she never put what she had on the walls.

She was tired but could not sleep. It was soon 2am, there was no actual escape from this liveless flat that felt nothing like her home. There was a soccer ball in the corner of the room and Emily got up to get it. She was not as good as Tobin when it came to juggling but it always took her mind off of anything would be on her mind because everything would be focused on the ball, going up and down, from one foot to another. Maybe it would remind her of all the good things, of how much the game meant to her, the opportunity of playing for her home state. The low tapping sounds on the ball would be relaxing her and maybe she would be able to sleep earlier for the first time in what felt like forever.

She felt nothing only that tugging in her chest, telling her to get on the next plane to Portland, to hold on Lindsey. She shot strongly in the ball and it bounced against the wall before coming right back to her face. She held her nose with a grunt and saw the tiniest bit of blood on her hand. She sat on the ground, shaking and ignoring the tears rolling down her face. She fell asleep there.

-

They managed to tie but couldn't go further, much to everyone's frustration and finished the game on a well fought draw. Tobin shook her hand but Emily didn't expect her hug after the looks she received from earlier.

"Don't hurt her again."

Emily knew it wasn't just about the foul.

"I don't want to."

Tobin squeezed her, nodded and for once this evening she actually smiled at Emily. It was a small wave of relief compared to everything that was happening but Emily would have hated to leave the field without it.

She looked around and saw Lindsey on the other side of the field, jumping around with Caitlin and Ellie and waving at fans. She would be running to them usually but it would seem out of place for both teams. She let Tobin go to them and went through the tunnel to get to the locker room, the weight of everything that happened on the field still on her shoulders.

Kelley was clearly waiting for her after her shower and almost got tackled to the ground when she put her arm around her shoulders and basically dragged her to her locker. The room was almost empty, only a few of their teammates were finishing to get prepared to leave.

"You did great."

"I almost took out someone's leg but thanks."

“Yeah, that too.” Kelley laughed but her face quickly quieted it down.

"You're still meeting her ?" Kelley asked and Emily could tell she was trying to be casual about it as if it had been planned for months.

"Well, she hasn't said anything about not wanting to see my face ever again, so I guess." She shrugged. It was even better than that but it was all in the rush of the game to be played and Emily didn't want to raise her hopes too much. Kelley stared at her with a pointed look before replying.

"You know it won't happen if you're being honest with her."

Honest. It sounded nice but each time she wanted to be honest with Lindsey, the possibility always had the worst outcome in her mind. Telling her how she loved her after winning a Championship together, wanting to kiss her after the final whistle of the World Cup rang through their ears, wanting to hold onto her for hours after their loss in semifinals. She would seem desperate and not as in control of her emotions as she wanted to be. Now being honest meant acknowledging how much of a coward she was.

"What if being honest make it worse ?"

"Saying that you still love her despite everything you both did ? Yeah sure Sonnett, it can only make it worse." Kelley scoffed but it was more understanding than it might sound like.

She made her sit down for the first time in the last hours. It wasn't as nice as it should be with sore legs and stiff back. Kelley put both her hands on her shoulders and gave her a shake.

"She reached out for you, dude. You tried as well but maybe the timing wasn't right, maybe feelings weren't settled, you both needed some time but you rushed it. You both stepped back and you turned to me. I'm glad you did but it might be time to reach out to her now. For real."

Emily never saw it as stepping back, only as protecting herself, maybe in a selfish way and hoped it would protect Lindsey as well from all that mess they could just ignore and go on in life with. It didn't work. Now that the chance was there to reach out she might as well take it.

"You're right." She said more to convince herself than anything.

"I don't hear that enough." Kelley whined but a huge smile was plastered on her face. She shoved Emily for her to get up.

"Go get her."

Emily felt this new, unfamiliar motivation in her tired body and didn't want it to ever leave her. She grabbed her bag and hugged Kelley.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

Despite her sore legs she ran to get on the other side of the tunnel.

-

"You wanna move here ?"

Emily was taken aback by the question and looked at Kelley for a moment to be sure she wasn't joking.

"No, why ?" Emily scoffed with a mouth full of avocado toast she just finished preparing.

"You keep moving around, like you're avoiding something." Kelley sounded casual but she was staring at her with such a serious look, it made Emily want to leave the room. She knew Kelley wouldn't have any of that and would tackle her to the ground to let her hear what she wanted her to hear. Emily sat really still on her stool.

"Why do you think that ?" Emily chuckled but anyone could tell it was nervous, especially Kelley.

"When was the last time you stayed at your flat ?"

Emily actually had to think. Of course she had spent time with her parents for several days, she was finally back in Georgia. She stayed with Emma as well afterwards, as much as she loved her parents, being only with Emma was different and she missed that. Moe had asked if she was around and Emily decided to stay a few days with her as well. She went from college friend to college friend before finally staying at Kelley’s for a day or two. She hadn’t noticed how long until now.

“Maybe two or three weeks ?” Emily shrugged and crossed her arms as if this fact wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn't be, being back in Atlanta always meant doing all of that. Maybe for a shorter period of time but now she was stuck in this city, so she should try to make it as bearable as possible, “I still went to get my stuff, you know.”

"Not that easy to go from living with someone, to living alone." Kelley nodded and Emily didn't want her to be carefully going around the subject anymore. She could handle this conversation.

"You can say her name, you know. I won't combust if you say Lindsey. She's your teammate too." Emily's voice was shaking despite trying not to. Kelley ignored it and Emily was glad for that, at least.

"You can move here," Kelley repeated and this time her look wasn't as hard, "If you don't wanna go back there."

"Wouldn't Lea mind ? You guys are practically married by now." Emily tried to joke to go in a safer territory.

Kelley sighed, "You're like family, Sonnett."

Emily actually relaxed a bit hearing that and definitely started to feel bad for being so defensive when Kelley was just trying to help.

"I talked to her about it. She even was excited at the idea." Kelley chuckled which made the weight of the conversation not as important as it was. They both continued eating and Kelley hadn't push more than that but Emily was well aware that she couldn't avoid telling her why she didn't want to go back alone in her flat.

Emily put down her knife on the table with a bit too much force. Kelley looked up from her salad but didn't say anything and Emily wasn't sure if she wanted her to.

"I miss her."

She missed the jokes, the moments where they would go out to celebrate or simply hang out by sitting in silence on the couch, their simple or stupid conversations. It was all Emily's worst nightmare, not only for Lindsey to know about her feelings but to lose her as a friend.

"I miss us." She expected Kelley's hug and was glad she wouldn't be seeing her tears.

-

The crowd was gone from the stands. Only a few people from staff remained walking through Providence Park. It was eerily silent compared to a few hours ago, it seemed like it was a completely different place.

_**E :** on the field_

Lindsey was still not with her and Emily was drowning her anxiety with a stupid game on her phone while repeating herself that Lindsey always took longer than her to get ready. Sending her a message was a good and simple way to reach out, taking a simple step forward to show that she still wanted to face her not only in a game in front of thousands of people. Just the two of them.

“Hey.”

Emily turned around and Lindsey was standing there, her hair free from the ponytail and still damp from the shower despite the winter wind still being out in late March. She was beautiful and Emily had forgotten how she could get so warm and almost choked on her breath when seeing Lindsey standing there, looking so good, even after a full 90 minutes game.

"Hey." Her voice was raspy and she cleared her throat in embarrassment. She wasn't so sure of what to say now, which was unlikely of her to lose her words. Lindsey didn’t look as confident as she did a few hours ago when she asked her to meet her, it wasn’t something she was used to seeing and her first instinct is to try to make her feel better.

“How’s your leg ? I heard someone got you pretty bad earlier.”

Lindsey’s smile and laugh were so bright, Emily had missed it so much, seeing it, hearing it, being the reason for it. It made the stupidest and most necessary reason to leave Portland. She was back now but she felt like a stranger in this city she knew and loved so much, with Lindsey who felt like was the same friend she had loved and love. It made her want to run away, it made her want to kiss her.

“What do you want to do ?” Lindsey asked her, her smile went away as quickly as it came. Emily had so many answers going through her mind. She chose the simple one.

“Whatever you’re doing.”

“Okay then." Lindsey murmured and held onto her bag before starting to walk away, "Let’s go home.”

Emily didn’t think twice and nodded. She remembered where home was and simply followed Lindsey.

-

She was not used to going to bars alone. It was the first time now that she thought of it. It was quite crowded but she still sat alone with her thoughts. She was tired of hearing everyone saying how great it was that she played for Atlanta now. Maybe a few years ago she would have agreed with them. Now it only meant fucking up her friendship with Lindsey because she couldn't handle her feelings and thought that kissing her and sleeping with her was the best course of action.

A drink came her way when she hadn't ordered any, her beer only halfway down. The waiter pointed to a woman sitting on the other side of the bar that Emily only now noticed, was staring at her. That stuff happened once before. Only it was a guy and Emily remembered how Lindsey had put her arm around her shoulders before asking the waiter to take away the drink and sending a glare to the guy. Emily took a sip from her beer trying to forget how anything she did or lived somehow reminded her of Lindsey. The woman on the other side of the bar was still looking at her and maybe that's what she needed to forget Lindsey. A gorgeous random woman who looked nothing like Lindsey. Emily got up from her seat and walked to her.

"I don't really accept gifts from strangers, sorry." Emily said while putting the drink in front of the woman who looked a bit disappointed.

"I can't really go against that then, my bad." The woman put her hand in her short dark hair and shrugged. Emily still had a hand on the drink and sat down next to her.

"It would be a waste though." Emily said tapping the glass, "Maybe you can not be a stranger anymore."

It made the woman smile and Emily hated how she felt accomplished for something that simple but it felt so long since she felt like she was bringing someone up instead of down.

"Maria." The woman extended her hand.

"Emily." She shook it. Her hand was firm, so different from Lindsey's strong but soft hand. Emily took a long sip.

-

The drive was silent. Emily didn’t dare to put on the radio or any songs and Lindsey didn’t invite her to. None of them spoke, the traffic was easy seeing how late it was, they wouldn't look at each other. It was like the numerous nights they drove back home after a game but things were different too. It was an uncomfortable balance that none of them dared to touch. Not speaking about anything about it didn’t make anything worse. It didn’t make anything better.

She almost threw her stuff like she used to, on the couch after going through the door. Instead she just left it by the door. Lindsey took off her jacket and Emily immediately noticed it. Her sweater, the one she's been searching for months now. Of course she had forgotten it, Lindsey wore it so often. She wasn't sure if it made her happier or sadder to see that Lindsey still wore it.

"I thought I lost it."

Lindsey looked over her shoulder confused and as if she just noticed that she brought her back here. Emily pointed at her sweater and Lindsey looked down to finally understand.

"Oh." She pulled at it as if to show it off. It was a cute habit Emily had noticed that she did when she talked about what she was wearing, she was used to compliment or make fun of her clothes just to see her do it.

"I like it." Lindsey shrugged before walking to the kitchen. It made Emily’s chest tighter. I know, she wanted to say but wasn’t sure if it was actually the case. Lindsey could have simply forgot she kept it and simply thought it as hers and not being one of Emily’s favorite sweaters.

"Water ?"

Emily nodded, "Sure."

The flat looked exactly how she left it. It was almost uncanny as if she dreamed it all up and it was just her memory acting up so she would wake up in her hotel room with an aching in her chest about how she never went with Lindsey when she should have done so. The clinking of the glasses on the counter sounded very real though, so did Lindsey’s heavy sigh. It was all very calm, it reminded Emily when she told Lindsey about leaving for Atlanta.

“When are you leaving ?” Lindsey hadn’t asked her this simple question before, it made leaving without saying anything worse.

“We have a flight tomorrow evening.” Emily would have simply answered this way if she had asked her. Instead they talked once in months. Today only being the second time.

She wanted to be done with this hill standing between them, she didn’t care about falling anymore. She already fell when she left Lindsey behind and barely tried to reach her, when she was staying days at her friends and family’s place or constantly doing anything because being alone meant only thinking about her, ignoring Kelley’s advice until now because she wanted to prove how much of a bigger person she was. If she fell again she knew the way down, so she just took the first step towards the edge.

“I didn't want to leave.”

Lindsey stared at her and took a sip out her glass, Emily could tell it was just to take a few seconds to think because her stare was now hard.

"You left though." Lindsey was definitely angry, she could tell from the shake in her voice.

She wanted to reach for her hand to make the unresting look in her eyes go away but she knew it wouldn't make it better and simply nodded, there was no more running away now.

"I didn't have a lot of choices, you know."

Lindsey scoffed and Emily felt ridiculous about saying any of that for a second, it also felt like a weight was being taken away from her even if that same weight could come back to hit her in the face.

"You seemed fine, leaving everything." Lindey's voice was as tight and her jaw visibly stiffened like she was stopping herself from speaking. Emily wished she would let it all out.

Emily shook her head, "You didn't stop me, you never said anything."

"Don't say it's my fault."

"I'm not." Emily sighed, "You already acted like I was gone."

It didn't make it easier but it certainly didn't make it harder. Emily brought on herself the most difficult part, she was the one who stepped closer to Lindsey and put their lips together instead of just leaving her with whoever that girl was. She wouldn't have been the one leaving Lindsey to wake up alone and naked in her bed. It didn't make her feel she was entirely wrong in her decision to leave though.

"So I left."

Lindsey got up from her stool and Emily followed her every step and movement. Lindsey went around the table to be standing in front of her. She was already smaller than Lindsey but sitting still on the stool made her look up to in a way that actually made her feel small.

“You didn't say anything too.” Lindsey murmured and she was close, Emily's body was getting warm just from her stare. She wanted to lean in just to be closer, just to actually feel Lindsey touching her.

"Yeah, I can be dumb like that." Emily snorted, "Kelley didn't mind reminding me."

Lindsey paused for a moment before finally opening up even if it was the tiniest bit.

"Tobin was disappointed."

"I've guessed so." Emily would definitely not forget the cold looks sent her way and never doubted that Lindsey would have gone to Tobin to talk if she wanted to. Lindsey took a deep breath and her hair was all falling on one of her shoulders, her eyes were so clear, she looked so beautiful.

"She said that she shouldn't be the one taking decision for us. And she's right. We messed up."

Emily froze and a laugh escaped from her. It was all the tension, all the doubts and the tiniest bit of relief of hearing this when she never really expected it. Lindsey looked confused and was fidgeting with her hands.

"It's not funny." Lindsey's tone reminded her of all the times Emily heard her say that exact sentence after one of her jokes but she was always smiling when she said it. Emily quickly sobered.

"I know." She murmured and she went to grab Lindsey's hand to try to reassure her. She would have put it back to her side quickly but Lindsey held onto it, strongly. Her eyes were shining from tears Emily knew she wouldn't be able to contain for long. Lindsey always lived her feelings, Emily threw hers around.

"I'm sorry." Emily finally said "I'm sorry I left you behind. Not only literally. "

She was tired of missing Lindsey, she still missed her because of the last months wishing they would just be like they used to. Emily wouldn't care if Lindsey wouldn't love her back the way she did, being her friend with her was the most important thing. She gave up on that idea when she stopped even convincing herself to try texting Lindsey. Maybe she didn't deserve being friends with her.

"Stay the night." Lindsey whispered and Emily was about to ask if she was sure but Lindsey's hand on hers was strong compared to her voice, "I missed you."

"Okay."

Neither of them moved away from each other though. It only seemed like Lindsey stepped closer and Emily could not stop herself from bringing her free hand to Lindsey's cheek that was slightly damp from the tears running down. She tried her best to rub it away, making a show of how focused she was on doing that. Lindsey chuckled and sniffed. It was all it took for Emily to stand up and bring her lips to Lindsey's.

She remembered perfectly when she had kissed Lindsey the first time before bringing her to her bedroom. It had been more painful than anything, really. It reminded her of what could have been if their luck had been better. Lindsey sighed against her lips before bringing them back together.

They were slowly kissing, Lindsey was holding her and even if they both knew that she had to leave the next evening, none of them wanted to rush anymore than that. Lindsey was the one who stood back first.

"Wait, I'm gross." She said with a sniff and wiping away more tear tracks.

"Oh yeah, I was definitely hating it." Emily scrunched her nose. The light shove from Lindsey was the most natural thing for them this evening. She walked to the bathroom and Emily felt alone in the big and silent flat.

It still felt like all of this could slip away from her without noticing or even because of herself, only this time she actually thought that both of them would make it work, whatever the path, whatever the outcome. It made her feel settled compared to the months of feeling unrested, unable to think straight or sit still because she was too scared to do anything about it. It still felt she had so much to say but her mind wouldn't settle on one thing. She was so focused in her thoughts she didn't notice when Lindsey was standing in front of her again.

"Em ?"

Emily startled at the name. It had been so long since she last heard it. She saw that Lindsey now wore her pyjamas. It made her look small and she just wanted to hug her again.

"Yeah ?"

"I left clothes for you to sleep with."

"Thanks." Emily nodded and headed to the bathroom, feeling Lindsey's eyes following her. Preparing herself for bed here felt so mundane but it was such a huge step compared to anything they had just a few hours ago.

When she came out Lindsey wasn't in the living room anymore and Emily concluded she must have gone to bed, it was late after all. The blankets were in the same closet, she took the thickest one since she would always be cold when falling asleep but it would also be comfier to sleep on the couch. She wrapped it around herself and was about to lie down on the couch when Lindsey came out of her room.

"What are you doing ?"

Emily stood there with the weight of the blanket on her shoulders before finally pointing to the couch.

“Try to sleep.”

“Oh.” Lindsey looked disappointed for a moment before saying, “My bed is big enough.”

“I know.” How could she have forgotten Lindsey’s bed when the last time they were together on it they silently had kissed and get themselves naked and it was the last time Emily felt alive before leaving Portland.

"You can-" Lindsey started but didn't finish her thought and Emily didn't need her to, to understand, "If you want."

Emily put the blanket tighter around herself. She wanted to. She wasn't sure if she was ready or if she deserved to. There was still so much to talk about, so much to rebuild between them, it would be too much at once and her mind had been all over the place today. She shook her head.

"Not yet."

Lindsey's face fell but she nodded and shuffled on her feet. Emily felt bad for putting her in an awkward situation but she couldn't compromise her feelings anymore.

"Will you be there in the morning ?" Lindsey asked and Emily felt the underlying question. Will you leave me again ?

"Yeah, unless you don't want me to." Emily nodded and Lindsey shook her head at the idea before stepping closer. Emily opened her arms and put the blanket around her shoulders as Lindsey put arms around her chest. Emily melted in the hug and closed her eyes. Despite all the uncertainty that was still hanging, it felt like nothing could get to them.

"We'll talk in the morning ?"

Emily nodded in her shoulder and she could feel Lindsey relax with a sigh. They stayed there for who knew how much long before Lindsey kissed her cheek and stepped back.

"Sleep well."

Lindsey turned to get to her room and the blanket felt so heavy on Emily's shoulders. She lied down on the familiar couch and her eyelids were already dropping. Sleep never came so easily to her in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i dont take too long for chap 3
> 
> hope you enjoyed 
> 
> im on twitter @saucysonnettbun if ya want


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so im here, 84 years later with my starbucks
> 
> since the last time i updated this baby in december 2019.... a lot happened. it most likely didn't help to finish it but hey we're finally here.
> 
> go ahead and enjoy. maybe ?

They did talk in the morning, just not about what happened. It still felt too rough to fully address it and what it all meant between them. Emily thought that it would have made her angry but it actually felt more like a relief. She had missed Lindsey for so long, just having her for this morning with no heavy conversation felt the closer to normal she had felt in months. She knew that she shouldn’t have been drowning in this feeling of familiarity because the plane she was now seating in took her away from this. 

It was hard not to, when she woke up with Lindsey preparing their coffee and breakfast over a playlist Emily recognized as one of her own. And so they talked about Portland, Atlanta and even jokingly promised that each time they would play against each other the one losing had to pay dinner for the other. They didn’t have to promise that they would stay over each time because it was a given.

Emily was now flying back to Atlanta, her thoughts still about Lindsey but her heart lighter than she had expected.

-

They texted regularly now. It felt like they texted more than they ever did. Maybe it was just because months of silence felt so terribly empty and long.

It was the usual. Their day, training, food or family. She would wake up and send a message to Lindsey for when she would be up. Lindsey sent her stuff to see after her training. Emily was cooking so they were facetiming. She was showing off her homemade tortillas that she brought to her team today.

"There's no culinary talent left in Portland now that I'm gone."

"I’m sure I can compete with you." Lindsey laughed.

Emily just smiled and shook her head, "I'll make some tortillas for you next time you're here. You can’t compete with these babies."

Her answer brought the brightest smile on Lindsey's face like it was the thing she wanted to hear most. Maybe it would be enough for them, making tortillas.

-

It felt good to be able to see her family after a long day of training. It reminded her of her more carefree days before she went pro. She loved her job but it definitely didn't have the same feeling to simply play for your school. Being back home after training felt like it when her anxiety about soccer was just a bad dream.

“How’s Lindsey ?”

Emily looked blankly at Emma and barely felt Bagel nibbling at her fingers for her to let go of the stick she was still holding.

“She’s great. I think.” She threw the stick, Harper and Bagel both going after it.

"She often asked about you. After you moved." Emma told her, "I couldn't say more than what you would be saying to her. She stopped asking recently though so I take it that you are both talking again now."

"Yeah." Emily nodded. The fact that Lindsey contacted Emma was actually surprising. Not that her family didn't love Lindsey. Since Lindsey didn’t have any contact with her she just assumed that she wouldn’t have any with anyone related to her.

"I'm sorry." Emily felt like she was apologising for more than that. Hopefully, Emma would get it. Emma nodded silently.

-

"How is it ?" Emily asked one evening. They have been on the call for 5 hours and she should be sleeping now not to hate waking up for training tomorrow. Seeing how calm Lindsey looked in her bed made it hard to hang.

"What ?"

"Playing with the Thorns. With this team." Emily murmured. It's weird how the Thorns were such a big part of a life and career but now it felt more like a painful memory. Only recently thinking of Lindsey made this pain ease, when it made it so much worse before.

"It's strange, a bit. Getting used to so many new people at once. You know I’ve never been the best for that.”

“Your track record of barely any friendships at our youth camps can attest to that.” Emily chuckled but Lindsey didn't.

“I miss it. The way it used to be.”

Only their breaths would fill the silence in their room. It was calming, it was dreading. A calm that was only meant to be broken by their late night thoughts. Maybe it was because it was so late and she was so tired that Emily wasn’t scared to break the silence first.

“I don’t miss some things.”

“Like what ?”

“Not knowing what it feels like to kiss you.”

She was pretty sure she wasn’t the only one to take a sharp breath right at this moment. She barely dared to move to look at Lindsey’s face on her screen. She still did, only to see Lindsey wouldn’t look at her.

“You should sleep. You have training tomorrow."

Emily nodded even if Lindsey couldn't see her. Maybe she went too far too quickly, when they were clearly trying to rebuild what they had.

"Goodnight Linds."

"Goodnight."

Emily was about to hang up when she finally saw Lindsey's blue eyes directed at her.

"I miss you too."

-

Playing for Atlanta felt better. It even felt good. Her chest wouldn’t tighten each time she put on the jersey with colors that were not Portland’s. Emily now spoke to more than Kelley on the squad. Some of the youngest girls seemed to actually be excited to be playing with her. Emily could only try her best in training and on the field to make up for how much she ignored them since pre-season.

The first games of the season were frustrating, with two ties and one loss by one goal. Emily trusted the team to breakthrough soon enough. Their rhythm was being put into place and their hard work would finally show. Their next game was their first home game. They needed to give the best for the public. She needed to give the best of her game.

The locker room was only filled by the music they decided to put to get their mood into the game. Emily’s phone vibrated in her bag. Lindsey finally answered her messages after a few hours. Emily assumed because of training.

L : i can watch the game tonight !

E : are you gonna cheer for us

L : i thought you were aware of how much i support utah

It actually made her laugh. Kelley threw her a knowing look from the other side of the locker room. Emily jokingly looked annoyed at her.

E : my bad i’ll send my love to arod from you

L : nah she doesn’t deserve it. keep it for me

Emily must have stared at this message for longer than she realised. Her teammates were now rushing out to the tunnel and she hadn't put her cleats on. They put them on quickly but didn’t forget her three knots on each side. She grabbed her phone and was glad that autocorrect would save her from the numerous typos she would have made in the rush.

E : always, don’t worry

-

It was a hard fought battle but they won. The game and the public's heart it seemed. She didn't know how much there was in the stands. Maybe not as much as in Portland but the energy that emerged from the stands felt as if she was back there. They shook hands with players and referees, coaches congratulated them. She saw the youngest of the teams rushing for the stands. She knew a lot of them would have friends watching them but the excitement there was from the stands at the view of a few of them dancing to the music blasting in the stadium was more than just friends. Emily had a warm feeling washing over when she saw black Atlanta jerseys with her name on it that were not only from her family.

"Come on, Son ! The dance floor is yours !" Kelley yelled as she pushed her forward. Emily laughed and danced for the first time in a really long while, under the wave of cheers from the stands and her teammates.

-

"You did amazing."

Emily had to blink a few times to be sure that it was Lindsey standing before her, here in Atlanta. The night had been great enough already, Lindsey being here would make it unreal.

"I don't have tortillas." Was the only thing that Emily thought of replying.

"I give you heartfelt compliments and you talk to me about food. That sounds just like us." Lindsey smiled.

"Glad to see you could make it Horan !" Emily wasn't surprised that Kelley seemed to know about it. She always had a way to know things like that.

"Portland better be prepared for the next one. We're going to crush you all." Kelley's threat couldn't really be taken seriously from the huge hug she was giving Lindsey.

"I was here to spy on you guys, haven't you heard ?"

"I'm sure Son would be happy to provide you with whatever you need." Kelley patted her on the shoulder before walking away, waving. "I'll see you both for lunch tomorrow."

Emily and Lindsey stared at her leaving before looking at each other. Lindsey was really here and saw her play in Atlanta. Maybe she liked it way more than she should.

"You can drive." Emily threw her keys to Lindsey, "You can only parallel park in front of my building."

-

Bagel jumped on both of them the moment she opened her door. Her flat was more messy than usual and her brain has been buzzing with the fact that Lindsey was here. In her flat in Atlanta, after her first home game. She had leftovers from two days ago. Chili could really last you long when you used the same quantity of ingredients than when you lived in the same building as three other teammates. She put the plates out and Lindsey grabbed them off her hands to put them on the table.

"You left."

Emily stood silently with the glasses in her hands. Her brain took a few seconds to realise that she wanted to talk about it. All of it. The simple thought often had made her a mess in the last months. However she felt weirdly calm when she walked closer to Lindsey and put the glasses on the table.

"I did. It's easier when you're sent on the other side of the country."

"Was it ? Easy ?" Lindsey's voice cracked and Emily had an empty laugh.

"Not anymore, not after I kissed you."

Lindsey had a look she couldn't read before she nodded and sat at the table like the weight of their words had been nothing. They ate in silence mostly, if not for the few times Emily had to tell Bagel to stay in her bed. She knew that Lindsey was trying to sneak her some pieces of meat but she said nothing. It actually made her smile.

"Are you happy ?" Lindsey asked her. Emily looked pointedly at Bagel before bringing her eyes to Lindsey's.

"I can be, I think." Emily answered honestly. She had good times in Atlanta with teammates or not. She saw a future for this team and her in it. It was what would make anyone happy. To have an impact, to be a good person to the people surrounding you. It was what she had tried to do for years. She might not have gotten all the experience one wished for on the national team but she liked to believe that she helped in some way other than being out there, playing and tackling. Yet it hadn’t been enough for Portland to keep her. Maybe it was for the best. It might have gotten messier with time. She put chili in her mouth.

"Are you ?" Emily asked after swallowing her food.

Lindsey looked at her silently, deep in her thoughts. She bit her bottom lip before answering in a tight voice,"I wasn't, for months. You left and all my other friends did."

Emily could only nod at Lindsey's words.

"Portland is dull without you, guys." Lindsey continued, "I tried to not to think that way but each time I did something there, it reminded me of you. Then I would start thinking about," She swallowed but didn't take her eyes away from Emily, "about that night. I thought you hated me for that night. Maybe you do. I don't know, I just felt terrible everyday and it only got better the day you came back there. Even if it wasn't for me."

Emily wanted to say something but she couldn't. Lindsey was right, she wouldn't have come back anytime to Portland if she wasn't contractually forced to. Lindsey still gave her a small smile.

"I've seen you out there tonight. You looked happier than you did being back in Portland. I can be happy with that."

Emily got up, she wasn't sure if it was Lindsey's words or a part of her brain who always meant to do it. Lindsey was staring at her when Emily put her hand on her cheek. Lindsey would know what was to come, Emily had only touched her this way before kissing her. She let her the time to move away if she wanted to. Lindsey only continued to stare at her while leaning in her touch. Emily had no hesitation when she brought their lips together. It felt familiar. It felt calm. 

"Can we be happy like this ?" Emily asked in a whisper, her face so close to Lindsey's.

"We could be." Lindsey answered and kissed her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you are taking care of yourselves guys it is a rough time out there

**Author's Note:**

> does it make sense ? idk
> 
> am i still Big Sad ? most likely


End file.
